Chii's Place

I should have known better than to think it was that simple...

Tue, 25 Aug 2009 15:22:17 GMT

Things have been strange recently... chaotic at best. Frightening at worst. I've been working my ass off at 2 jobs. Trying my best to stay sane in this economy. I've been engaged for a while know. We're supposed to get married on March the 7th. The only thing is.... recently he asked me to try for an open relationship. I wasn't against the idea because I thought at the very least I could let him get back at me for sleeping around on him when we first started dating. He tried asking one of his friends last night about it. Somehow I knew that something bad was going to come out of it. He doesn't know how to take no as an answer from her. She ended up telling his best friend and both of them basically called me a slut and assumed the entire thing was my idea. Which it wasn't. I would never ask him something like that. He knows as much. Still.... somehow i feel all this mess is my fault because I mentioned it wouldn't bother me casually to him the day before he asked. Maybe if I had kept my mouth shut none of this would have happened... maybe if I had kept my legs shut in the beginning then I'd be happy now.

I tried to cut myself last night. It's pathetic when I do... I never can. I'm such a big pacifist at heart that I can't even hurt myself much less anyone else. So much of a pacifist that I've decided that i'm going to just let everything slide. If he wants to sleep around then I'm going to let him. I don't want any part of it. Sure, it might be fun... but I know me. I fall in love too easily with the people I make love to. It's not as simple as a one night stand unless they leave or treat me like shit. And because I'm a libra and I try my hardest to make people happy and give them what they want they often don't want to leave. And don't understand when I do. So I'm giving up. I don't think... I'll leave the relationship unless he keeps having his affairs... I slept with 6... so I'll probably give him between 10 and 12. Then talk to him about it. Tell him I want monogomy and if he isn't happy with that anymore then i'm going to leave. There's no point in staying with him when I can't sleep around like he will be doing without his friends and family calling me a whore... and I can't get him to stop sleeping around and be with only me. I can only hope that if that happens I'll be able to find a good place for me and Perrin to stay. Someplace where we can be safe and happy and not have to worry about any of this shit.

Health Issues...

Tue, 06 Jan 2009 14:02:28 GMT

So for about the past month I've been having these episodes where I just kinda go comotose for about 1-5 minutes. I mean. I'm awake. I can see I can think....but I can't really do much of anything else unless someone calls my name or does something to snap me out of it. It's like my brain is going really really fast and I can't move. Along with it I've been having headaches, my vision goes blurry and... well I guess the strangest thing is that I get what feels like air trapped between my skull and my skin and it "flutters". It's been in other places too, but that's the strangest and most noticable.

I went to the doctor the other day. Because the episodes started happening while I was driving, working and even having sex... it freaked me out and so they did a CT scan yesterday, got some blood and urine from me and tested pretty much everything physiological that they could. It all came back clean. I get Indian health care and, while the care itself is free, if they don't have the resources to handle something it gets sent to what's called "contract health". They have to approve it through a board and then they send me to another hospital to get it all taken care of.

The doctor thinks I'm having petite mal seizures and wanted to contract me out for an EEG because they don't have the equipment there. There's a possibility that the comittee that decides these things will reject it and then I'll be up a creek with no paddle. The EEG will tell me what's causing the seizures so they'll stop. I'm kind of afraid though... what if it doesn't get approved? I don't have health care through my work because I'm technically still a contracted help. Our contract company doesn't have a very good health care package at all...so I didn't bother getting it because I didn't think I'd need it. I've never had to get anything contracted out with the exception of the ultrasound when I was expecting my son.

On top of all that mess I've had to worry about what happens if the commitee DOES approve it and they find nothing... my father recently had a grand mal seizure (the one where you collapse and start twitching and curling into the fetal position) and after it happened.. they couldn't find the cause... what if I'm the same way? At the very least I'm less afraid of it being cancer because the CT came back clean. About 4-5 months ago I had a Leep Procedure (where they cut off part of your cervix) because I had the first stages of cancer. At first they thought I could have a tumor in my brain, but after the CT that's ruled out.

I don't know what's going to happen from this point on and quite frankly I'm really frightened. What happens if they say I can't drive? What if I can't work? What will happen to my son? There's so many questions and I don't know any of the answers to them. I know that this isn't something that can get fixed overnight but if anyone has any suggestions for how to cope with the situation or they have similar stories about how they got past rough spots in their medical history I would appreciate if they were shared...

Another year gone?

Tue, 30 Dec 2008 17:50:20 GMT

Why is it I only seem to write in these things about a year apart. I used to be religious about keeping up with things like LiveJournal and MySpace. But... eh. So I've become involved in two new communities. Because apparently I can't get enough of talking to people on t3h intarwebs. On one of these sites I've met someone named Cricket. And I lujs him. Er... him/her... lets just say Cricket's gender confuses me but I still love him bunches. We RP together and he got me involved in a game that kills you with words. >.> Yeah so. <3 *laughs* Outside of that... things have been going well.

I can't believe it's almost my son's birthday AGAIN! I think the last time I posted in here it was either right before or right after his last one. He can rip of wrapping paper now. We found that out at christmas. He is, running, jumping climbing... not quite up trees and he hasn't tried to put on make-up yet. (Eddie reference.) Oh and I am getting amine for Kissmiss. <3 One of Mark's (my beau's) co-workers moved in with his girlfriend and they're getting rid of all their duplicates so I'm going to be getting a lot. ^.^

What comic character are you?

Mon, 27 Oct 2008 20:56:15 GMT

Your Result is: Hobbes
Hobbes, (from Calvin and Hobbes) is understanding and kind. He's funny and always sticks to his best friend.;?>

Take What comic character are you?

Uhhh....how to describe this...

Sun, 27 Jul 2008 17:10:54 GMT

*swallows* I just had surgery to get pre-cancerous cells removed from my cervix last Friday...

I'd say that's it but the last two days have been near torture for me. The surgery seemed to go ok but they freaked me out because they accidentally had the tool they used to cut it out not covered and I saw the remaining little bits and pieces of my bloody flesh on it when I got up. That was not pleasant. On our way to go get some good food as a treat for me making it out of the surgery ok.... our car got hit by an on-coming vehicle. She was turning left while i was going straight but I still don't know who was at fault because my light turned yellow while I was in the intersection. The police are taking the time to determine that and my insurance is going to tow what's left of my car to a dealership to see if they can get it fixed... (I'm gonna say no...because the radiator busted and there were fluids leaking all over the crash site. On top of that the windshield is gone because there are spider web cracks all in it and it's buckled in and out on the passenger's side.) So we go home and the next day we go get all my stuff out of my car. ...Figures... I get a piece of glass stuck in my ankle while looking through all the wreckage. Luckily Mark was able to take it out when we got home but i had to spend 20 minutes with it stuck in there because that's how long the drive was.... just happy I had my tetnus booster after i had Perrin...

Sometimes I just wonder...

Tue, 24 Jun 2008 23:40:33 GMT

Things have been....different as of late. There have been so many changes to my outlook on life and the things I want to do i don't even know where to begin. I've made a REALLY good friend. Who, unlike what my mom said, stays my friend even though I've got a baby to take care of. She's really fun and awesome and she's holding my sanity together. Mark (my new beau) and i were on a diet for a while but we stopped due to lack of finances. I've tried out for a band recently and i THINK they might use me for a back-up (secondary lead) singer once I can get some more training and confidence in me. I'm really excited for that. Outside of that i'm getting together a bunch of stuff for projects that I can make with the twins if i start watching them and if not then I've got more time for my beading stuff or to work on that webcomic project i promised myself i'd start making a LONG time ago. Thing is I finally have an opening page and as soon as I can re-work the art into something....FEASABLE... then I might be able to get it posted and actually get a schedule going for it. Though I'm going to have to have a steady net connection in order to do that...which doesn't happen at home until around the beginning of next month. That's about it for now. Later!

Somedays...all you have is a string to keep you attached to reality..

Sat, 24 May 2008 12:49:40 GMT

I don't know the last thing I wrote in here but I know I've been missing a lot. My dad had a seizure a month ago or so and where he seems completely recovered it's still a frightening concept. My son's doing well but still has HORRIBLE balance and actually pulled a cartoon move the other day and just kept running after he ran out of porch space...ended up face-first in the dirt. His forehead is scraped up all to hades and I'm just hoping he learned his lesson. It was when I was gone to see the Live Action Death Note... which was AMAZING and WONDERFUL! A co-worker and I dressed up as Black and White versions of Misa Misa <3. I was so excited! i'm actually going to be getting my pictures taken on memorial day with Perrin, Mark and I... didn't realize it until just now but that means his scrap will be recorded in history...maybe I should wait to take the pictures.. I'm happy in my new job and new relationship. We've been dating for a long time and actually planning on moving in together at the beginning of next month. There's actually a new children's shop that opened up a few weeks ago and I love it. It's got a LOT more room than the other one and the store owner is so detail-oriented she makes sure everything is pristine before putting it up for sale. She has this set of faternal twins that I'm just in love with too. I actually offered to baby sit because while i was in the store she looked so frazzled trying to watch them and stock and help customers that she honestly looked like she needed the help. So after Mark and I move in together and get the place cleaned up enough and babyproofed then we'll have them over. I figured out a LOT of things about myself recently...some that I wish I haddn't discovered about myself. Sometimes ignorance really is bliss but now that I know I just have to deal with reality and try to keep myself in check anyway I can...

just one of those days

Mon, 18 Feb 2008 06:02:55 GMT

I had no clue it had been almost 2 years since the last time I'd written in this. Lots has changed. I still care for Hunter, but over time I"ve gotten a handle on not loving him to the point I can't move on with the rest of my life. I ended up getting married and pregnant...though I did it the wrong/opposite way. And just recently got a divorce. Things have been going decently well. I met a new guy. We've known eachother for a while but just started dating on the 16th. The funny thing was the divorce was finalized on the 13th... ehe heh heh. ...yeah. But we were kinda talking about maybe dating after the divorce was final anyway. He's really sweet...he loves me and my son. And he's completely devoted to making me happy. But I think a lot of that stems from me being completely devoted to making him happy too. My son was born on the 24th of January, 2007. I can't believe he's over a year old now...but hey...I guess that's what happens when you're having fun. I"m hanging my hat up for the night. At least here...Later kids.

Sensual Phrase Character

Sun, 23 Apr 2006 02:12:54 GMT

Which Kaikan Phrase Band Member are You?

You're Toudou Yukifumi! Leader of /\ucifer, as well as an able guitarist, you know how to juggle responsibility. You're a good mediator, cool, calm and collected, but you care alot about the people around you.
Take this quiz!

Quizilla |
Join

| Make A Quiz | More Quizzes | Grab Code

nervous Animal

Tue, 11 Apr 2006 19:16:40 GMT

Chinchilla
You scored 28 nervousness!

You really should be more nervous. People want to make coats out of you, you know.

My test tracked 2 variables How you compared to other people your age and gender:

You scored higher than 53% on nervousness
You scored higher than 88% on smallness

Link: The Small Nervous Animal Test written by zombieface on Ok Cupid, home of the 32-Type Dating Test

Worst dream EVER...

Wed, 15 Mar 2006 17:35:16 GMT

Ever have one of those mornings where you wake up and you just have this sinking feeling it's going to be a bad day? That was today...I had a really strange dream and I'm not quite sure of anything right now. But anyway, I have a lot of stuff to do. I'll try explaining everything in greater detail once i get done some of the things I need to. Catch you later.

I almost died today...

Mon, 13 Mar 2006 08:01:35 GMT

I was talking to some of my friends. Elisa had Shawn and Eric over and I actually invited Justin from tech over for the first time and Shawn said something that made me laugh so hard...I ended up almost choking on the m&m blast Justin got me from Sonic. It was crazy. so today was fun... I finally cracked open then 2nd Xenosaga after playing the first 50-60 hours of the first one. The intro isn't 1/2 bad. There was this huge combat scene in the beginning with a realian and chaos. Pretty cool... anyway, so i better go tell Hunter I wanna call him and find my phone before it gets too late. Chat at you later.

Oh sweet miracle of life i've found thee!! XD

Sun, 05 Mar 2006 16:29:54 GMT

So...Elisa left me for the weekend...I've been pretty lonely... there's just not as much color...not as much music...and whenever there isn't just the sound of the lights, the hum of the computer and the dead silence...the only noise comes from just my room... The only thing that's made it tolerable is when Hunter called me last night. I missed him so much and realized...that I'd probably always go back to him... as long as he let me. I don't know how on earth I ever thought that he wasn't what i've always wanted. He means so much to me. Anyway...so I work in a little less than an hour. I'm excited because I'm actually gonna have a lot of free time to myself. I really need to get to work on my FAFSA. But I guess that can wait until after i work. so I gotta get ready to avoid being late. I keep having all these strange dreams and maybe i'll write about those after work. if I can remember... anyway, c-ya

...I wonder....

Mon, 27 Feb 2006 08:24:02 GMT

...what would happen if I didn't say anything to Hunter.... how long would it take him to notice my silence...a day? a week? a month..? it's like he's always doing something that takes priority over me. *laughs* as if I have any priority anymore... we're not even dating... I don't even know why I care. I mean...if we're supposed to get together like we are when he's planning to visit...he'll just be another boy that i'm not dating that I'll have slept with... as if the others weren't enough. Part of me wants to deny him...but I have a feeling that if I do I'll have no chance at saving this relationship. I'm so confused everytime I try to fix my problems...someone always tells me i'm going about it the wrong way... what's the right way? am I doomed to be ignorant and naive forever? is there even a cure for it? I really want to talk to Travis about it. he said he used to be that way too. maybe he has the answer i'm looking for...

What's love got to do...got to do with it?

Thu, 16 Feb 2006 16:43:22 GMT

I just woke up and i'm in a better mood today then i have been the past few days... maybe it's because it was Valentines 2 days ago and I threw myself into this funk and kept myself 1/2 way between drunk and sober since I stepped in my door. I'm pretty sure part of the reason Elisa got PTO for that day when she wasn't planning on it was she wanted to watch over me...she knows i'm clumsy and that plus liquor could mean death...so yeah. Anyway, I am currently sitting here eating strawberry cheesecake Yoplait. =^.^= Some of the best stuff in the world. I think I'm becomming obsessed with Cheesecake. *laughs* which is funny because the one time I was with Travis...we ordered a piece from the restaurant we were at and he asked me if I wanted the entire cake... *laughs* there is NO way on EARTH I could handle that much cheesecake.... What i could use though is some vodka... oh snap...there goes my alcoholism again. Anywho, I guess i'm gonna stop going "blah blah blah, i'm a whore" In here and actually start getting ready for work. *giggles* I keep having all these strange dreams, but I guess i'll have to go into detail with that more later. *yawns* I should seriously take a nap today after I get all the crap done with my bank that i need to. Anyway, gotta run.

So...

Tue, 14 Feb 2006 05:43:07 GMT

I decided I was going to get completely smashed tomorrow...after work. *sighs* i'm just really tired of everyone seeming to have someone else in their life when it seems like...I'm never going to find anyone to spend the rest of my life with... I mean....every time I do...something happens... they stop loving me... they end up loving someone else... I end up screwing up so bad I wreck our entire relationship.. Every time... and it's like now I've become afraid to even try. When Hunter comes down....I don't know if i even CAN take him back... *laughs* ...that is if I haven't screwed up so bad that he just can't see me as his wife anymore. I'm so afraid of hurting people. And I know that one of these days...i'm probably going to end up all alone..in an old house...with my 20 cats... just like my aunt...but she found a husband. i don't think I'll even be that lucky. I know of two people who for sure would still consider me as a bride...but they haven't gone through what Hunter did...and if they did...I'm pretty sure they wouldn't know if they wanted to stay either... I guess I just have to take the time to mold myself into a good wife... right now i'm nothing but shit...at least when it comes to taking care of people. I can't do anything with as weak as I am right now. I need to become stronger...for the sake of my future children. I have to become the perfect bride or no one will love me and I'll never have the children I so badly wish to have and love. i've already lost the one thing I had that I thought made me worth having. It's a gift i foolishly gave to someone who didn't love me enough to only love me. now..I guess i'll just have to do everything in my power to straighten out this freking mess that I call my life. Anyway...I'll be contemplating that later tomorrow. i'll try writing in here when I'm smashed...it'll give me something to look back and laugh on.

Personality Quiz Time!!

Tue, 14 Feb 2006 05:28:21 GMT

Arena

(known to self and others)

caring

Blind Spot

(known only to others)

accepting, bold, calm, cheerful, clever, confident, friendly, happy, helpful, independent, intelligent, kind, loving, mature, modest, organised, proud, relaxed, religious, self-assertive, shy, silly, spontaneous, trustworthy, warm, wise

Façade

(known only to self)

giving, reflective, self-conscious, sentimental, sympathetic

Unknown

(known to nobody)

able, adaptable, brave, complex, dependable, dignified, energetic, extroverted, idealistic, ingenious, introverted, knowledgable, logical, nervous, observant, patient, powerful, quiet, responsive, searching, sensible, tense, witty

Dominant Traits

54% of people agree that FeyonaSaibre is caring
63% of people think that FeyonaSaibre is friendly
63% of people think that FeyonaSaibre is loving

All Percentages

able (0%) accepting (9%) adaptable (0%) bold (9%) brave (0%) calm (9%) caring (54%) cheerful (36%) clever (9%) complex (0%) confident (9%) dependable (0%) dignified (0%) energetic (0%) extroverted (0%) friendly (63%) giving (0%) happy (18%) helpful (18%) idealistic (0%) independent (9%) ingenious (0%) intelligent (9%) introverted (0%) kind (27%) knowledgable (0%) logical (0%) loving (63%) mature (27%) modest (18%) nervous (0%) observant (0%) organised (9%) patient (0%) powerful (0%) proud (18%) quiet (0%) reflective (0%) relaxed (9%) religious (9%) responsive (0%) searching (0%) self-assertive (9%) self-conscious (0%) sensible (0%) sentimental (0%) shy (9%) silly (18%) spontaneous (9%) sympathetic (0%) tense (0%) trustworthy (18%) warm (36%) wise (9%) witty (0%)

Created by the Interactive Johari Window on 14.2.2006, using data from 11 respondents.
You can make your own Johari Window, or view FeyonaSaibre's full data.

Dante's Hell Test

Tue, 31 Jan 2006 05:49:36 GMT

The Dante's Inferno Test has sent you to Purgatory!
Here is how you matched up against all the levels:

Level	Score
Purgatory (Repenting Believers)	Very High
Level 1 - Limbo (Virtuous Non-Believers)	Moderate
Level 2 (Lustful)	High
Level 3 (Gluttonous)	Very Low
Level 4 (Prodigal and Avaricious)	Very Low
Level 5 (Wrathful and Gloomy)	Very Low
Level 6 - The City of Dis (Heretics)	Very Low
Level 7 (Violent)	Low
Level 8- the Malebolge (Fraudulent, Malicious, Panderers)	Low
Level 9 - Cocytus (Treacherous)	Low

Take the Dante's Inferno Hell Test

it's been a little while

Fri, 13 Jan 2006 08:07:56 GMT

WOOTNESS!!

I...am officially an employee of Olive Garden. YAY!! >.<

Almost too much excitement...

I've been doing everything and going everywhere...or so it seems. It's like...everything is finally falling into place...pretty soon I'll be able to get out of debt and into a somewhat more comfortable lifestyle. I still don't know what i'm going to do about the situation with my boyfriend....he seems determined to stay in CA...and I don't know if I can just drop everything and go. I mean...I know I'll have a while to think about it...(seems like it's going to be a few years)...but still. It's a really big decision and I don't know if I'll be able to handle it. I have to call on Saturday to get my schedule for the next week...but I don't think that should be too much of a problem. ANYWAY...so much has been going on...within a 5 day period..I almost got left by the man I want to spend the rest of my life with, lost my job, started frantically searching for another one, turned in a few applications, went in for an interview, went through 3 days of training, got my food handler's lisence renewed, sent off for a liquor lisence, stressed over bills...and am finally settling into my new job. It's good... because it's like...I don't have any ties to the time I was with Wrayfe....I don't have the same job... i don't go to that same school...or see those same people. Well...I see a few...like Fez and Jacob..but it's allright. Aside from that...i've never felt better...and I don't feel the need to be completely drunk anymore. I still wouldn't mind one night to celebrate. I should probably wait until I get everyone paid back before I get completely smashed... XP. I hate this alcoholism thing...it runs in my blood...and apparently it's pretty strong in me. I mean...I can keep myself from buying a bottle...but it's when I have it in my position that things get messy. I lose control of what I've consumed and have this great desire to reach the end of the bottle. It's really creepy and kinda scarry. I don't like it at all. But i digress...the drunks next door are getting a little loud XD. And I'm gonna call it a night. For typing in this thing, anyway. It's already 2am and i really wanna get some more reading/ writing done while i need to be quiet so Hikaru can sleep. I got up at 7am so I'm starting to get a little tired myself...I may just read a little before heading to bed. Anyway... I LOVE YOU AND GOODNIGHT!!

OH

Fri, 23 Dec 2005 05:10:53 GMT

link to the pictures for the comic...

http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v165/FeyonaSaibre/Midgard%20Comic/Darrel.jpg
http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v165/FeyonaSaibre/Midgard%20Comic/feyona.jpg
http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v165/FeyonaSaibre/Midgard%20Comic/folken.jpg
http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v165/FeyonaSaibre/Midgard%20Comic/kao.jpg
http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v165/FeyonaSaibre/Midgard%20Comic/group.jpg

that's all the characters that are in the script thus far...I'll get a more inside look on the work once the comic is released...I don't want to spoil anything.

sooooooooooooooooooooo

Fri, 23 Dec 2005 05:06:02 GMT

wazzap!!!

I'm not really doing anything important. i raelly should be writing script, but on a beautiful night like tonight....I just kinda wanna sleep and be happy. I only have 2 days and 1 hour before Christmas. I really need to work on my applications too...hopefully I'll be able to get a job soon. another one... YAY. Er, anyway, so like I was saying I should go type up that next comic. i'll see you later.

weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee

Sat, 17 Dec 2005 03:15:17 GMT

Today is a happy day. I'm patiently awaiting the arrival of my roommate so i can decide what to do for supper. I really wanna make something oriental...but I don't know what to make...there's a lot of things we don't have still...food wise. I guess the thing I miss the most is bell pepper..awwwww...all we have is garlic. I might just end up making something....what I don't know...but something... Anyway...wish me luck...i'm not THAT good of a cook.

yay for lunch breaks!!

Thu, 15 Dec 2005 00:30:58 GMT

why do I never write in these while I'm at home? oh well, the world will never know. As for now I'm not really doing much...I have about 5 minutes left for my lunch break and i'm just messing with this. I love the pants i'm wearing today...they're bluejeans and they're flaired...they also have roses painted on them...when I wear these with my hooker boots they make me feel like a horse because the boot feels like a hoof/horseshoe and the flaired pants feel like fettlocks. Odd for sure, but it's time to go. Talk more later. Tahi

OMG...

Wed, 14 Dec 2005 00:50:45 GMT

I forgot to post in here that i'm not dating Wrayfe...almost everyone already knows that though. Wrayfe's officially become one of the biggest jerks i've ever met...maybe he was always like that and I never knew it. Oh well....I'll talk more later...got games to play.

mew =^.^=

Wed, 14 Dec 2005 00:48:52 GMT

I love this anime site. I've also been playing this game online called "Kingdom of Loathing". I'm pretty excited. I'm also starting to work on my dregee a little...finally. *lol* I really wanna get this college thing done. I mean...you have to start somewhere. lol I just need to figure out what else I need to do. *sighs* Never enough time to do anything around here.... anywho, i'll chat later.